Venting Thread

[ROYGBIV]

A bit of Pandora's Box. haha, just because it opens up that little primal comparison thing people think they have privately. Bringing something that inner into an outer form really doesn't work so well. They immediately have an entire individual life's worth of material that is of the same stuff as everyone else, but wholly unique to their experience. When people join collectives based around this, the bond between them is barely acknowledged and, I think, needs to be incomplete and ill-defined. Perhaps with the same bit of trickery involved in the mechanic's decisions.

I said something earlier that I feel needs a less "God" and "Devil" situation around it. The whole advantage thing. I can't do it if it causes disadvantage to others. I'm unable to turn off the flourish of thoughts that will exercise my ability to find ways in which an action of mine will be detriment to someone. Not ultimately, because my existance causes the existance of all others to suffer to the extent that a finite resource is spread a little more thin. But in an immediate way. I am physically and mentally unable to perform an action in this way consciously. I think there are many like me out there that share this pull. I mainly speak how I do to find them. I care about the rest only as far as I hope they change as I believe they have the ability to. I think the ability is completely human and noone simply doesn't have it, the same as the attributes given to "The Devil".

P.S.- I guess that's not fair, I do care about all people. Even the worst. I just try to spend less time on them. I find, like you said, opposition simply pushes them deeper into their ways. I try to see no opposition to mine and exist as parallel to everyone so as not to artificially compel myself in any one direction. The more naturally and instinctually I float in this current direction, the more I feel it is a correct one.

Alot of people put conspiracy folk and doom and gloomers in the "I hope this happens!" kind of fantasy zone. I am not. If the world ever went Mad Max, I invite death. Not in a "shoot me here" kind of way. In a "I will only further strengthen my resolve to live virtuously" kind of way. I see no point to hungry and fevered survival in a world that cannot achieve peaceful happiness for everyone. I still think it can be achieved. In a world where an economy crumbles and your fellow man is your greatest enemy? Count me disinterested. And no, I would not indulge in the processes I dispise on the way out because all is lost. The person my father encountered in a diner, the priest who said if God didn't exist he'd rape and murder and "all that fun stuff". I do not relate to him. To me, he is already dead. I can't imagine why, knowing a person could think like that, anyone would allow themselves close vicinity.

I feel the same about geneticists today who feel that "removing the sensation of pain" from cows would make their deaths more ethical. I have no qualms about eating meat or a personal process attached to it. Impersonal? I find trouble relating. Taking away their pain to make you feel better about the process? That's insane.

P.P.S.- I just had an emotional moment with my sister. She showed me this video.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dtjOIcrzNsk&feature=PlayList&p=7409A9E7A07EE69A&index=0&playnext=1

I haven't watched it. I feel like if people know enough not to trust things on the surface, that is enough. I was very sad instead of excited at the prospect that this caught her attention. I told her as much and couldn't manage to hold back teary eyes in telling her so. Even now, I think about the worry and pain this kind of thing has brought to me and how simply getting back to the same solutions I had before exposure is an extremely long and soulcrushing journey. I don't want her or anyone else to feel this way. I get the impression places like AboveTopSecret and other conspiracy zones can't wait to bring others along for their ride. On a less conscious level, I think they're sharing their pain or trying to lessen the burdon by spreading it out amongst more people. I had an interest this way before, insomuch as I thought everyone should know to better defend themselves. Now, I find myself more satisfied that they simply practice a more thorough process of evaluation before allowing such things in.

Or I've encountered the difference between my feelings considered for the public vs my family. Probably alot of both. I think at some point only some time ago I would have genuinely been excited for her for the same reasons I am now sad for her. She's still watching it upstairs and it's heartbreaking. I did my best to put it all in one memory piece for her by saying the conspiracy zones are 90% bullshit and money making scams and people trapped within lies that they are scared to take back(or admit they fell for) and 10% have some substance to it. I hope that is enough to bolster her process of consideration for these things.

P.P.S.S.- On a more angered and separate(ish) issue, Manitoba reserves were outraged when their H1N1 packages came complete with body bags. It's as public a way of saying "Take this vaccine or you will die" as there is. I dare them to try the same thing in cities and see if their defense of such actions takes the same root among their people. I'll save the mystery of the hypothetical; it won't. These things aren't oversights, they're tactics they feel will increase the ammount of people who will take the vaccine. I have no doubt it will work, but do not subject some segments to these manipulations that other segments will not see or care about(and even defend without it being done to them). And no, I don't think this should be done ANYWHERE. Not even to so they can feel and see the same thing to come to the same conclusion. It should have been obvious not to do this.

[ROYGBIV]

My mother, sister and brother have taken the H1N1 vaccine. My father will follow and I and my other sister after that. It is upsetting being so unsure. What I'm sure of, though, is that a world in which we could conceive of doing the things I'm afraid of is not one in which I would be so happy to exist in. If something should happen, they may have their misplaced notions of self-defense and let it eat them until there is nothing left. It is the end of such a path anyways.

I think a book or movie about the Human Race and its loss of understanding of the interconnectivity of all and the problem such a thing causes called Cytokine Storm should be written. If I had the interest left in our positive outcomes, which I sometimes feel I believe foolishly, I would do it myself.

For a person who claims to hold a tremendous interest in positive life, I spend an awful lot of time on negative struggles and death. But it is all I can see without artificially guiding my attention. On the way to developing a new habit, forming pathways in my brain that will recognize and be compelled towards good and joy, there is an extinct version of me that doesn't know it will not die if I move on. It panics and flails and makes destruction of the transition. I suppose this is normal. I feel, though, that it is not.

[ROYGBIV]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SScbvZYfwHM&fmt=18

[Sano]

Walking in circles and taking 1 step forward then 12 backwards sucks...majorly.

[Ajna]

Walking in circles and taking 1 step forward then 12 backwards sucks...majorly.

I hope things get better for you.

[ROYGBIV]

Walking in circles and taking 1 step forward then 12 backwards sucks...majorly.

This seems to be the only way things get done. Pandora's Box and all that. You're more than capable to pull through, I know it for a fact and so do you. But when you don't feel that way, be sure to come on here and rant away. It's good for ya.

You're part of our family here too Sano, with tenure! We're here whenever you need us behbeh. We're all pretty good listeners I think, especially if you'd rather we not talk as if we've figured out anything. I feel like that'd just annoy you.

I don't give BJs before noon though. It's just uncivilized. I hope you understand.

[Sano]

"You down have the right to be angry!" - Mrs. Sano

...what else is there to say?

From June 2000 until almost January 2001 I worked 3rd shift and slept only 4 hours a day because she and I worked different schedules and we did not want our then 2 y/o son in daycare....She says:

"That's the last time the parenting was 'equal'."

...am I insane or is she?

[ROYGBIV]

I'd say you're not insane and she's not either. However, she has to be pretty mad to purposefully discount said sacrifice for hurtful purpose. Oftentimes when our needs and wants have the perception of being childish, like wanting attention or desiring what they see as a more free intimacy(normal but can be retarded thanks to rom-coms) we will take the weight of those concerns and add them to other legit concerns that are blown out of all proportion. Then we give those real feelings and concerns the qualities of taboo and refuse to surface them. You know better than anyone if you're being a good father and chances are she does too. If she has issues with what you do as a father, it may have been a build-up scenario. Being far too concerned with sensitivity(which is insensitive to the self and the bond) and not trusting that the relationship could withstand full honesty are recipes for repression and eventual explosion on issues. That it mystifies you is no surprise, internalized boil-overs are always that way. Becoming internal exclusive on anything has the effect of taking one out of the moment and they cannot see or experience what is there, they only glean from the situation into the direction they are ruminating about.

Have a "Say Anything" talk. Hear everything and treat it as a sacred event that is maintaining a sacred bond. Be present and be on her side when you are hearing it. You're not abandoning yourself and you don't have a position to defend, the thing that's being defended is beyond the considerations of one person and positive results satisfy the considerations of all involved anyway. When dealing with sensitive issues(the way we govern ourselves, bonds with alternative definitions from our own, etc) it is hard to maintain a calm energy and communicate honest feelings but it must be attempted. Again and again until you get it right. Which, if that's the goal, is an eventuality. It is not in service of being an emotionless robot(just the opposite), it is in service of not feeding automatic animal instincts. Some people say "We are animals and trusting these auto-systems is of high importance" and I agree. However, these systems are fucked up thanks to our wonderful taming(civilizing) programs. We found it wise to strip away a person and then put things in place rather than strengthen and guide. The problems create themselves from this. We even have defense mechanisms in the brain that completely repel us from engaging in such things. They have been useful and helpful in the past and it's easy to trust them when they are right. In the case of proactive emotional communication, these defenses are massive obstacles.

There's nothing more difficult, it seems, than coming to terms with the extent of the compromises we make. Like anything, they can be both good and bad. You and her know that better than anyone and need to discuss them. Even the feeling that this is conversation is necessary can form a "Large Future Event!" signal in the brain and make us anxious and imaginative about what it will be like. A definite detriment that causes us to not engage.

After having said all that, and doing what I said I wouldn't one post after, I'll also say I have no idea how this is going to go for you or if anything I've said holds any water. Neither do you until you do it. Make sure you, as a person, are completely satisfied you've said everything you need to say. Hopefully she does too, but she can only do it if she knows you can and did and that it's alright no matter what. We leave that to fend for itself too often, the "I'm So Secure In Our Bond That We Can Just Be" thing. It doesn't work that way, it needs to be maintained through our thoughts and actions on the regular. We treat ourselves far too harshly for the sensitive and emotional beings we are and cannot avoid being. I've noticed, with talking to people close to me, that the more intelligent you are the greater the self-indoctrination and the further away such a possibility is from our minds. Entertain this possibility, it will help in the change process, which is too often trusted to the cyclical event system where we must have hurtful epiphanies at some undetermined point. I've long made the mistake of identifying a process of the brain(however abstract or automatic) as something to dismantle and destroy, and sat in divine comedy puzzled why I felt dismantled and destroyed. It is a useful tool and can be wielded this way. As long as it is not in control(which it seeks). Be a leader of yourself and you cannot be mislead.

There is no real sane reaction option when something so sensitive is "at stake". The best we can do is be pack leader(another Cesar Millan victim here, heh) to our systems and submit to the abstract pack leader that is the idealized bond or outcome. Another danger of engaging with such things in mind is simply being a robot with emotions. This isn't desirable either and has it's own set of complicated problems. Absent presence for one. Balance is ideal and we are never really sure what that is. Try for it and hope for the best. You're both human and aren't ever going to lead yourselves to mistake-free areas so have no great expectations of such things. Not living up to those great expectations are a huge source of our frustrations. If we do this, we miss the great part; the fact that we have positive change in mind and have engaged in the process at all. This is The Light we choose to miss.

However this situation ends up, that you've done what you've needed is the important part. You could do no more. Also, if I may, you're a very intelligent person and have a strong will that you exert. When you feel there's something lost in translation or something not being understood, choose instead to imagine how you are the one who is not understanding them. If nothing else, there is a wealth of new informations to be sifted through that comes from it. Not letting empathy overwhelm you is a valuable lesson, but using it correctly is a must. With issues like this, allowing ourselves the full power of our empathy(and the pain that comes with it) is one of those things that we give. It's an important sacrifice, and it will be appreciated. And immediately reciprocated.

Good luck Sano. And stop listening to crazy people!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=md_8WJzhsow&fmt=18

*cartwheels away*

P.S.- You have a right to be angry. You have a right to be whatever you want. But your rights end where another's begin, and our freewill has a constant effect on the world around us whether we choose to acknowledge it or not. And its effect is out of our hands. If these last few sentences were fully integrated into peoples everywhere, it would go a long way to realizing the world we've all dreamed about. Internally more than externally, which is so important. How can we build a healthy external world when our internal ones are in turmoil? Chicken or the Egg indeed.

P.P.S.- I've read that trying to influence someone else's mind is violence against that person. I think about that alot, especially when doing things like this. If you feel that way from this, I'm sorry and I take it all back!

[Sano]

At least when addicts hit bottom, they have a hangover to blame.

If I were 4 degrees stupider, I'd blame a vengeful God for my predicament.

Score:

Marriage = Negative

Job = Negative

Friends = Negative

Prospects = Negative

As far as I can tell, 4 negatives do not a positive make.

[ROYGBIV]

Sounds like this should be your section for awhile. Have at'er Sano, no words to regret here. Even if you don't mean'em ultimately, let'em loose and enjoy the temporary sanity.

You are a man of many talents. There's still many things to be done and noticed in language, take it upon yourself.

Maybe with your help people would defend Democracy when it was paired with its origins in Self-Governance and not continue to let meaning and connection slip away with the failings of English.

I'm going to ask my Father about something related to this, I'll let ya know. Until then, 4 is alot of negatives and it is also my people's lucky number.

P.S.- What can you use your language knowledge for? History, Human Migration, Communication Streamlining? You have an invaluable base from which to derive many informations.

[Faust]

At least when addicts hit bottom, they have a hangover to blame.

If I were 4 degrees stupider, I'd blame a vengeful God for my predicament.

Score:

Marriage = Negative

Job = Negative

Friends = Negative

Prospects = Negative

As far as I can tell, 4 negatives do not a positive make.

Me

Marriage = Divorced. But like a Phoenix, etc etc

Job = Got cancer, laid off while on medical leave...then lost benefits, hello $42,000 in medical bills.

Friends = Good

Prospects = I'm still here

Dude, you know as well as I do the pendulum does indeed swing. Just wait for the gravity, and hitch a ride.

[Ajna]

Yelling at someone and telling them how they feel and think and that they don't take other's feelings into consideration carries a little bit of irony.

[Sano]

...irony.

A phenomenon lost on many.

[SofaKingdom]

Man, this place being dead fucking sucks.

I used to be able to count on this place as my go-to in a pinch need a work distraction thing, and now that I've caught up with what I missed for those weeks and weeks, it seems like there is never an unread folder around when I want/need one.

Where are my delicious yellow folders of unreadedness?

[Faust]

It may have run it's course. lack of conversation begets posts.